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10 April 2013 / stageivhope

The New Normal, Part II

It has been almost three weeks since Arijit died.

It doesn’t feel like three weeks—it feels like somewhere between an instant and an eternity.  It’s amazing how time can both fly by and stand still.

I don’t know that I’ve fully processed this all yet.  Perhaps I never will.  While I know that he’s gone, I almost half-expect that he’ll be there when I come home, or when I wake up.  I look at photos of him and it feels like he’s still here, like he’s just away for a bit and will come back soon.  My heart and my head are at odds on how to feel and think.

Arijit and I always tried to approach every step of this journey—from his diagnosis through treatment, and finally to the end—with a rational eye.  We are academic types, and we take comfort in knowledge.  We sought to control our fears though understanding them.  We created order from chaos, and when we couldn’t, we embraced that chaos as the natural order of life.  We stopped worrying about the unknown and focused what we did know, and what we could do.

I’ve tried to rationalize my grief, but I can’t.  I’ve tried to make sense of everything that has happened, but it’s hard.  My ability to think and reason has always been one of my greatest assets, yet it’s failing me right now

And that’s OK.

One of Arijit’s first posts here was entitled “The New Normal,” where he talked about how life changed post-diagnosis and how the key to survival was making sense of those changes and learning how to live with them.  And so with “The New Normal, Part II.”  My life has changed.  I have changed, in ways I haven’t even realized yet.  I can’t go back to the way things used to be; instead, I must work on getting my life back to normal, whatever that may mean now.  I have to take stock of my life and figure out how to carry my old self into my new world.  I need to accept my grief, and the vast set of uncertainties that come with it, and give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel.  I want to learn to move past surviving and get back to living, with all the joy and hope and wonder and love that Arijit and I shared, and will always share.

And so I am trying to embrace the chaos again, to take shelter in the unknown, and to trust my ability to wade through it.

One Comment

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  1. jeannie moore / Apr 10 2013 5:10 PM

    My friend, Tom, is having a free chat tonight for those living with the death of a loved one. I encourage you to try if you’re up to it -
    He’s a grief expert. Thinking of you, with tender thoughts……..

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